


Episode 38 - Painful Truths

by stgjr



Series: "The Power of a Name" Series 4 - "Time Lord Vindicant" [16]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Multi-Fandom, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Multiple Crossovers, Multiverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-23 21:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11998626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stgjr/pseuds/stgjr
Summary: Our narrator continues his efforts to find a way to the Doctor's home cosmos.  Perhaps the summons to meet with the Prophets of Bajor will help?  Assuming they're not too cryptic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on December 11th, 2015.

Quiet.  
  
The TARDIS was always so quiet when I didn't have Companions. Nothing was happening. There were no sounds of swimming in the pool, of taking a meal, or idle chatter. I didn't have anyone proposing a possible destination for us to go to or teasing me over this or that.  
  
Nothing but me.  
  
I had fallen asleep in my reclining chair in the library when the visitor came.  
  
I say that because it didn't feel like the usual dream. Not like when the other Doctors would pop up in my head and judge me or give me cryptic advice. Instead of the misting ethereal blackness I was in a white room with indications of advanced technology about me.  
  
Not just any technology, I realized. _Gallifreyan_ technology.  
  
And as I turned, I saw it.  
  
The chair.  
  
There was a figure in it. I couldn't quite make out the details save that he was on the heavyset side. I couldn't focus on any features though, nothing distinct. A uniform of some kind? Police, no, not military either. But it was one I felt I should know. One I should...  
  
I felt a sharp pain in my head. It made me cry out.  
  
"The block could never be perfect," a woman's voice said. I turned to face the same one who had come to me in my rest during the battle with the Master. "It had to be reinforced with compulsions."  
  
"Who are you?", I asked. "Really?"  
  
She seemed to consider that for a moment. "A coward," she replied. "A coward who wouldn't stop them out of fear. You... you are my one stab of defiance."  
  
"You mean you're opposed to whatever Rassilon is planning?"  
  
The woman shook her head. "I do not know who you speak of. As I said, I'm a whisper. It's the only thing that could be hidden in your mind without detection, or without driving you insane. I don't even know my creator's name."  
  
I nodded. "Okay. Alright. So you don't know anything more. Can you give me anything? Any more information that might help?"  
  
"The Cracks," she answered. "They must be stopped."  
  
I tried not to be snippy about that. "I surmised as much," I said. "And they're all connecting to the home cosmos of Gallifrey."  
  
"Yes. And they are also the key," she answered. "You must make use of them to prevail."  
  
That made me stop a moment. "So... you're saying I can use the Cracks to find Gallifrey?"  
  
"With difficulty, perhaps," she said. "And you will need help."  
  
"Yes." I nodded. "The Doctor."  
  
She gave me a nod of her own in reply.  
  
I thought through things. "Were you the one responsible for copying the Doctor's things in my TARDIS?", I asked. "It doesn't seem like something Rassilon would have done."  
  
"I do not know for sure. But perhaps." She looked away. "You should go now. You have much work to do."  
  
But I wasn't ready. "I have more questions!", I insisted. "Do you know who I was? What I was? _Do you know my original name?!_ "  
  
"I do not..."  
  
And she vanished.  
  
I woke up.  
  
For a time I processed what I had just experienced. "Cryptic, why do they always have to be so cryptic," I mumbled to myself. And then I got up.  
  
The Cracks were the key, she had said. I could use them to get to the source of the problem. To Gallifrey. But...  
  
And then it came to me.  
  
I had tried every way I could think of to get to the Doctor's home cosmos. And I was coming to my last option.  
  
Fly the TARDIS through a Crack myself.  
  
This was, of course, remarkably dangerous. The Master had been seeking to transmat it through a Crack, true, but he knew what was on both sides. I had no such idea. And flying the TARDIS through could be even more dangerous with how the energies within the Crack might affect the TARDIS.  
  
So I had to seek out a Crack.  
  
And I was very surprised where I found it.  
  
  
  
  
I materialized the TARDIS in the catacombs of Paris. I had been to the City of Lights before, but usually above ground. This was new ground for me. But it wasn't just any Paris, you must understand.  
  
This was the Paris that served as the capital of the United Federation of Planets. And they even came with a surprise.  
  
And so it came to be that I was standing in the restored catacombs with arms folded, waiting patiently for the Starfleet medical officers to finish treating the wounded beings walking through the Crack. I sighed at that; it was incredibly dangerous to do so, but without transmat technology they had no choice.  
  
"Are you familiar with this species, Doctor?", asked Seven. Picard was standing a bit further back consulting with Crusher and a few other medical officers. Bacco had sent him to do the diplomatic work while Seven was here for the science part.  
  
"Silurians," I answered. "In my home cosmos, they were the original sentient species on Earth. They evolved with what you Humans call dinosaurs."  
  
"Curious. _Voyager_ encountered a similar species in the Delta Quadrant."  
  
"The Voth, yes?" I nodded. "I've heard of them. The various Silurian communities didn't launch themselves into space, though, but buried themselves deep underground to ride out the effects in stasis. Unfortunately, it didn't always turn out well for them."  
  
One of the Silurians walked up and began conversing with Picard. Seven and I walked over to join them. "We are most thankful to your Federation, Captain," the Silurian said.  
  
"It's our privilege to come to the aid of your people, Kranel," Picard replied. "President Bacco asked me to assure you that we will accommodate the Silurian people in any way we can, whether it be a community built here on Earth or, should you wish it, another planet to settle on that is closer to your preferred environment."  
  
Kranel the Silurian nodded respectfully. "Again, my thanks." He turned toward me and sniffed. He looked on with curiosity. "You are not Human," he remarked. "Who might you be?"  
  
"I'm the Doctor." I offered a hand. "I'm investigating the rifts, the Cracks, like this one. A pleasure to see your people can use it to escape the calamity facing you."  
  
Kranel appraised me with curiosity and uncertainty in equal measure. "Well, yes, if not for this 'Crack', as you call it, my people would have been killed by the volcanic rupture." Kranel shifted his head a little. "My apologies for this, sir, but I'm not familiar with your species?"  
  
"Me? Oh, I'm a Time Lord."  
  
There was a perceptible change in Kranel's posture at that point. He was becoming more sullen, withdrawn, indeed he was afraid. And everyone noticed this. "Oh, I… see." Kranel focused on me a moment. "A Time Lord. Well, you seem nice enough, and our hosts do seem to respect you." He nodded to Picard. "If you would please excuse me, I must see to my people."  
  
Picard was no fool. He noticed Kranel's reaction to my answer. He gave an understanding nod. "Of course. I will be delighted to resume our conversation at a more convenient time."  
  
Kranel gave me another wary look before moving away. Or, well, I could say it was scurrying away. There was definitely some scurrying.  
  
Picard and Seven gave me looks. I responded with an appropriate sigh. "The Time Lords have not always been a nice people," I remarked. "The Time War drove them to… extremes."  
  
It made me think for a moment. Did this, did I, have something to do with the Time War? The Master had left that unsaid, after all, speaking only of Rassilon's plans to use the destruction of his plans to the benefit of the Time Lords. That could mean a lot of things.  
  
"So I see," Picard remarked. "Doctor, when you say you came due to this rift, this 'Crack' as you call it, what do you mean? Is this scientific curiosity or something more?"  
  
"I'm not entirely sure yet myself," I murmured. "But there is definitely something more. And I need to find out. I came because I was going to investigate the possibility of going through the Crack myself."  
  
That got their attention. "That would be inadvisable," Seven told me. "The Silurian settlement is being subjected to a volcanic disturbance that will bury the entire area within the next four hours."  
  
"I know. But I wouldn't be staying. I was planning on flying the TARDIS through, actually."  
  
Picard gave me a careful look. "That sounds remarkably reckless. Your craft could have all sorts of unknown effects upon the dimensional rupture. You could endanger this entire city, maybe even the entire planet. You cannot risk the lives of billions on such an act." The disapproval of the concept was palpable in his voice.  
  
I couldn't argue with that so I answered him with a nod. In fact, I knew more than Picard how things might go wrong if I had a problem with the Eye of Harmony stasis field or the Time Vortex regulator at the worst moment. So I took a different approach. "Seven, could you set up a transporter to transport through the Crack?", I asked.  
  
Seven considered that. "It is remotely possible, but given the interference created by the Crack's energy signature re-constitution would be extremely unlikely." When she saw the look on my face her posture lightened slightly. "I can see this is important to you, Doctor, but it would be suicide. That wouldn't accomplish anything."  
  
"I know." I let out a harsh breath in frustration and looked to the Crack. Another group of Silurians emerged, this one including children. I watched them move along. "Well, let me get some scans, I suppose."  
  
"Of course. I will provide you with our scan results as well."  
  
"Thank you, Seven." I returned to the TARDIS to get to work, leaving Picard and Seven to their labors.  
  
  
  
  
Seven had been right. A transporter beam would never have managed reconstitution on the other end of the Crack.  
  
I know this because I quietly attempted just that. The transmitter I sent through was lost within an incoherent beam.  
  
Transmats worked differently. The beam that the matter was shunted through was stronger. More robust, and thus capable of avoiding data corruption or other effects from the energies of the Crack.  
  
This left me with the scan results. I sipped at a cup of… coffee, I think it was. I hadn't been paying attention when brewing it, honestly.  
  
After looking over the energy patterns, the swirls of blues and violets and greens on my screen, I found myself at a realization. I first needed to check my findings, though, to make sure of what I was seeing. I reached to the controls and brought up prior scans of other Cracks I had come across.  
  
And there it was. The pattern I thought I had noticed.  
  
As time had passed along my timestream, the Cracks I ran into were getting more energetic. Not in a way that was immediately noticeable, but it was clear that their energy states were growing. As if they were the outlet for a geyser that was building up pressure to the point it was going to blow.  
  
Looking back, this pattern was new. The "earliest Cracks" had such a low variance to it that it looked minuscule. It was only in the most recent Cracks that the changes were showing.  
  
I found myself changing the analogy. Not a geyser. A _volcano_.  
  
The future vision Garnet had shown me came back to my mind. I imagined energy erupting from Cracks, re-opening them to the base three dimensions in the process, and then wiping out entire worlds. If not more.  
  
Like I really needed the pressure. I let out a cry of frustration as I thought about it. I was trying everything, literally everything but nothing was working! I couldn't get the TARDIS into the Doctor's home cosmos! And all the while this… volcano was building up. A bomb of sorts, undoubtedly related to Rassilon's plans. One I needed to stop. But try as I might, I couldn't get back to that cosmos.  
  
There was a chirp on my communication console. I pressed the receive key. " _Doctor._ " Seven's face appeared on the screen. " _A call on subspace has come for you. It's from Bajor._ "  
  
"Huh." That was a surprise to me. I nodded. "Alright, put it though." I was treated to the sight of Nerys, still in those Ramjan-ranked robes. "Hello Nerys," I said, giving a genuine smile at seeing her. "Doing well?"  
  
" _I am_ ," she said. " _Doctor, I need you to come to Bajor._ "  
  
"Oh?" That piqued my curiosity. What could be wrong? "Is something the matter?"  
  
" _Maybe_ ," she said. " _I know that this may sound off to you, but.._ "  
  
"My dear Nerys, nothing sounds 'off' to me, I've heard it all before," I chimed in before returning to my drink.  
  
She didn't mind the interruption. She knew I couldn't help but run my mouth sometimes. " _Still, just in case._ " Her expression turned serious. " _I think the Prophets want to see you._ "  
  
I stopped mid-drink and swallowed. "...really?"  
  
" _Yes. I even consulted with the Kai and the Vedeks. Everyone is saying the same thing._ "  
  
I took in a breath. That was… well, that was interesting. It had been so long since I had seen the beings that lived in the Bajoran Wormhole, venerated on Bajor as "the Prophets". They did not experience linear time as most species do. That had all sorts of interesting implications, if you ask me.  
  
And they wanted to see _me_?  
  
Presumably this had more to do with the "answers seeking questions" thing they were harping on about back when I met them the last time.  
  
I ended up nodding. "Alright. Tell me where to go…" I moved the monitor around the TARDIS control station toward the section for flying her. I began to input broad coordinates for Bajor. "...and I'll be right there."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nerys had been waiting for me to arrive at the end of her call. I stepped out of the TARDIS and found her in a patient stance, smiling quietly. "Well, I suppose I can be predictable sometimes," I remarked.  
  
"Yes." She nodded and turned away. Behind her, on one desk, was the container for an Orb; one of the artifacts that the timeless entities of the Wormhole had sent to Bajor to learn more about the locals and to give them some guidance. She picked it up. "Captain Ro should have the runabout ready."  
  
"Really?" It wasn't hard to figure out what the plan was. "You want me to go into the wormhole."  
  
"It's the best way for the Prophets to communicate with you directly," she answered.  
  
"I suppose so." I gestured to the TARDIS and smile. "It has been a while since you got a TARDIS ride, hasn't it?"  
  
She laughed and nodded.  
  
  
  
  
For obvious reasons I left the TARDIS behind on DS9. Nerys had taken the controls of the runabout, named the _St. Lawrence_ given the usual motif for names based on Earth's great rivers. I was sitting in the chair beside her to watch.  
  
As we waited for clearance to launch Nerys took to the usual pre-flight checks while I sat in silence. She ended the silence by asking, "So you're traveling alone again?"  
  
"For the moment," I said. "Liara went home. Katara has a place now."  
  
She nodded at that. "I'm happy for them." After a few more moments of checking the displays she looked to me again. "And what about you?"  
  
I thought on it. It caused me to sigh. "The TARDIS is too quiet," I admitted. "But I can't risk anyone else right now. Things are… happening, Nerys. I've finally gotten an idea on what's going on and on who did this to me."  
  
"You make it sound like it's a bad thing," she said.  
  
"It's dangerous," I clarified. I took in a breath. "All signs point toward…"  
  
Another voice cut in. " _Ops to_ St. Lawrence. _You are cleared to launch._ "  
  
Nerys turned her attention to the controls. "I hear you Ops. I'm launching now."  
  
The runabout lifted up to the surface of the station. There was a slight shudder when Nerys activated the thrusters and pushed the runabout away from its landing pad. She flew the runabout on thruster power for several seconds, orientating us properly, before kicking in the impulse drive. The _St. Lawrence_ briefly shifted under me as inertial dampening systems kicked in.  
  
"Hold on," she warned me. "It's been a while since I flew one of these."  
  
"Oh, don't worry," I answered. "It's like riding a bike, I imagine."  
  
Nerys smiled at me before returning her attention to the board. Her fingers ran over the flight controls and turned the runabout toward what looked to be empty space. "I can think of other analogies," she answered upon doing so. "Not as pleasant to remember, though."  
  
I nodded. Indeed not.  
  
But it wasn't. Once we got a set distance from the station the Bajoran Wormhole blossomed open before us. I allowed myself a little sigh of contentment at the beauty of it. My Time Lord senses allowed me to feel the time-space currents flowing about it. There was something exhilarating about the construct.  
  
Once we were inside the wormhole I took in a moment to watch all of the swirling colors. My Time Lord senses were… off. Not badly off - that would make me feel queasy or worried - just off-balance slightly. It was a peculiar feeling to have.  
  
Nerys moved us out of the main travel lane for the wormhole and brought the _St. Lawrence_ to a stop. "Here we go," she said. She hit a few keys - setting autopilot procedures in the event something threatened to collide with us, I imagine - and stood up. "This way."  
  
I followed her back to the living area of the runabout. She had placed the Orb ark on the table there with a seat in front of it. "I'll be here if you need me," she said.  
  
"Right." I looked back to the Orb ark and took in a breath. "Well. Here we go, let's see what's going on…" I was already reaching my hands to the doors of the ark at this point. I swung them open and beheld the distinctly un-orb-like hourglass shape of the Orb. Light erupted from it and…  
  
Yes, it was back to the amber-toned environments. I was standing in the control room of the TARDIS. "The Doctor comes to us with a new face." I turned and faced a Prophet in the form of Jan, during the time she had been my Companion.  
  
I blinked at that. "New face?"  
  
Her response was immediate. "We have seen you over many faces, Doctor. The face of wrath and of compassion. The face of pain and of triumph. Many faces."  
  
"The Doctor has questions," a Prophet-Cami remarked.  
  
"Well, yes." I gave them a nod. "And I was rather hoping we didn't have to be cryptic about it."  
  
My environment shifted. I was in the underground where I had faced the Master not too long ago. The opened Crack was blazing white in my eyes. "The walls shudder." I turned and followed the voice to one of the Prophets in the form of Asami.  
  
"The walls are falling." A Prophet-Korra spoke next from the other side.  
  
"The Doctor stands on the walls. He must save them." Prophet-Bolin this time.  
  
"You're talking about the Cracks in the Multiverse," I said. "The walls are the natural barriers between the various sixth-dimensional locations?"  
  
"We see devastation," said Prophet-Korra. "Linear existences failing."  
  
"Annihilation," Prophet-Asami said.  
  
I turned about to follow them. "Rassilon's plan, that's what this is? He's going to cause this devastation, yes? How can I find him and stop him?"  
  
We flashed again. Now I was on the Citadel's underside. The battle with the Reapers was frozen in the void around me, as was the Crucible and the beam linking it to the Citadel. "We do not know this." I turned and faced Prophet-Shepard. "The walls bar our vision."  
  
"The task of learning falls on you, Doctor. The Guardian of the Walls," said Prophet-Liara.  
  
"But I don't know how!", I shouted. "I've tried almost everything! I can't get through the Cracks back to Gallifrey and its cosmos!"  
  
"You must remember yourself."  
  
The voice made me feel an involuntary shudder. I turned and faced the visage of Katherine, in her favored sleeveless blue dinner dress. I swallowed. "You had to pick that form."  
  
Prophet-Katherine stepped closer. "To succeed, you must learn who you are."  
  
"I can't. The block…"  
  
"It can be done." She smiled at me gently. "This form. She believed in you. She would tell you that you could manage this."  
  
"She wasn't here to see me at my worse," I replied.  
  
The Prophet-Katherine gave me a curious look. As she did, things went by us. Backgrounds of events. Things I did that... I am not proud of. "She did not see the face of wrath, true."  
  
I nodded and looked away. We returned to what looked to be Katherine's old reception room, back when she had become my Companion. "She always saw me as this giddy maniac who ran around and righted wrongs. I was her lovable crazy adventurer uncle."  
  
"A role you prefer." This was a child's voice. I turned to face Prophet-Hope Carpenter.  
  
Prophet-Katherine nodded. "She knew what was in you. She knew that at the core of your being, Doctor, you want to protect and save. And that is what you must be to stop the devastation. You must protect and save us all."  
  
"I just have to know how," I mumbled.  
  
"For linear beings, we have found that all problems have a beginning," Prophet-Katherine said. "It is best to face that."  
  
"The beginning?" I looked at her. "As in go back to that Sith station..."  
  
"You will know," Prophet-Katherine assured me. "From the moment you became the Doctor, you have been ready for this. Go now, Guardian. Go and be the Doctor."  
  
With a flash of light, I was back in the living area of the _St. Lawrence_. I blinked a couple of times before I closed the Orb cask. I looked to Nerys, who seemed to be waiting patiently for me. "Well," I began. "...I think they told me some things. Things I need to know."  
  
"The Prophets always tell us what we need to know," Nerys answered pleasantly. "But they do love to be infuriating about it, don't they?"  
  
At that, I laughed. "Oi, better not let the Temple here you say that, Nerys. They might not like the clergy being questioning."  
  
"It'll be our little secret," she laughed back. "Back to DS9?"  
  
"Yes," I answered. "Back to DS9."  
  
  
  
  
After we returned I found myself deciding to take it easy for a while on DS9. A check up on Quark, that old swindler, and a meal at the Replimat. I spent the time processing what the Prophets had told me.  
  
The more I thought about everything, the more worried I was becoming. Between the Daleks' claims, Garnet's future vision, and what the Prophets were saying, it was clear that whatever Rassilon was up to - whatever he was using me for - it was Bad News with a Capital B. To several orders of magnitude.  
  
There had to be a way to go through. Then I could find the Doctor, enlist his aid, and together we could find a way to get to Gallifrey and stop Rassilon. I took a bite of some soup and focused on that thought. Could I still get the TARDIS through a Crack physically? Would I just end up blowing up myself, the Crack, and part of the Multiverse in the attempt? The data suggested either way....  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
The voice made me look up. A young Bajoran boy was staring at me. He was wearing a standard Bajoran outfit, nice and colorful with deep violets and blues. His red hair made me think of Nerys. "Are you the Doctor?", he asked me.  
  
Before I could answer, voices called out "Jorim!" I looked up to see a young Bajoran couple in civilian dress rush up. The mother, a blond woman, was rather along in a pregnancy, and had the tissues to prove it (given their species tendency to sneeze a lot during pregnancy), while the brown-haired father was tall and on the lean side. He took Jorim's hand. "You know not to wander off," he scolded the boy. He looked to me. "Sorry sir, he's just..."  
  
Both parents now looked me directly in the face. "By the Prophets," the woman gasped.  
  
"You're the Doctor," the father said, as if he were about to burst with swelling excitement. "I... I can't believe it!"  
  
I smiled diplomatically. "Well, I do tend to come and go. Flit about the timeline and all that."  
  
"I saw you at Rakatha when I was a boy," he said. "You made Gul Ukrell and all of his men stop chasing us. You made them flee while screaming 'run away!'."  
  
I chuckled at that memory. "I do have a penchant for theatrics."  
  
"They say you're a herald of the Prophets." The mother spoke in awed tones. "That only the Emissary is closer to them than you."  
  
Before I could deny that, she moved a step closer. "Please, Doctor, won't you give my baby the Prophets' blessing?"  
  
Well, now isn't that uncomfortable? But it was clear that the father was just as eager, while the son stared in amazement. Looking at their faces I knew they wouldn't easily be dissuaded or convinced of my relative lack of correspondence with those cryptic, linear-less living fellows. Best to just go along with it. So I let my spoon fall into the bowl - and promptly sink into the soup, urgh - and brought my right hand up to press on her swollen belly while trying to keep the awkwardness out of my voice. "May the Prophets bless this child with a happy and long life," I said cheerily.  
  
"Thank you very much, Doctor," the father answered. The family of three, minus one imminent addition, moved along. The crowd that had been drawn to our conversation didn't, however.  
  
I drew in a sigh. So much for peace and quiet.  
  
As I tried to fish my soup spoon out of the soup, a shadow fell over me. "Well well, aren't you the popular one?"  
  
That voice.  
  
I knew that voice.  
  
The surprising thing, really, was that it had taken so long for me to hear it directly.  
  
I lifted my head and looked at the dark-haired being looming over me. I had expected him to be in uniform, but instead he was in a long brown trench coat with a suit under.... oh, of course he would dress like that, wouldn't he?  
  
I couldn't stop the sigh from slipping out. "I was wondering when you would show up." I forced a smile. "Nice to officially meet you, Q."  
  
Q - and yes, the John de Lancie-looking one... I suppose, they can change shape and all so who knows? - slipped into the seat across from me. He was wearing Ten's preferred outfit; the long brown trench coat and blue suit and tie and such, I mean. "The pleasure is mutual, of course," he said. He looked about at the growing crowd. "I think we need to talk somewhere private."  
  
With a snap of his fingers, we were no longer in the Replimat. We were in a set of quarters on DS9. The same set of quarters where I had parked the TARDIS.  
  
"So, what is the occasion?", I asked.  
  
"Oh, nothing much," Q said, and clearly sarcastic in his tone. He folded his hands on the table and leaned forward. "We just need you to stop playing around and go save the Multiverse."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q gives our narrator a nudge in the right direction, leading to a startling discovery regarding his origins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A forewarning for readers: much like how I did a crossover involving my other work, "Undiscovered Frontier", this chapter includes characters from a work I did several years ago involving a recurring universe from posters on Spacebattles.com, a world of comic book-style superheroes based on SB posters. I hope to avoid any confusion on the matter.

Well, that was an interesting thing to hear.  
  
I pushed the soup away and folded my hands on the table just like Q had done "Well, that's not an ominous declaration now, is it? Although I'm curious as to why the great Q need me to do the deed."  
  
Q wasn't smiling now. He shifted in the chair. "Do you know how bothersome it is just to keep this, our base... what do you call it, 'cosmos'? Such poor imagination there, by the way. But to continue, do you know how bothersome it is to us just working to keep our base cosmos safe from the disruptions in the fabric of existence? We are in no way interested in expending even more effort on the impossible task of safeguarding all of reality from this mischief."  
  
My folded hands turned into steepled fingers. "Quite the aggravation, then?"  
  
"Yes. And since you are a Time Lord, and this is a Time Lord-caused problem, we think it falls upon your kind to clean up your own mess."  
  
"I see." I considered Q's expression. His words. "Is the great Q Continuum incapable of dealing with this, then?"  
  
For a moment Q seemed genuinely irritated, but the flicker of that emotion faded quickly. "Of course not," Q guffawed. "But it's not our place."  
  
"Ah." I nodded and hid a smirk. The Q, for all intents and purposes, were omnipotent and (mostly) omniscient. But there are... scales to such things, and they might not be as high as they intended. Plus I couldn't help but imagine that Q had another agenda. "Well, suffice to say that I am indeed trying to solve this issue. I'm simply running into problems."  
  
"Because you're not thinking them through entirely," Q pointed out. He leaned in. "You're not considering the questions you need to be asking."  
  
"Ah?" I made a hand gesture for him to continue.  
  
Q did, of course. He did so love to hear himself talk. "The real question isn't who did this to you, or even why. The important question right now is... why did they lock away your Human memories?"  
  
A good question. One that I didn't have a satisfactory answer for. "A very good question indeed. And I suppose you know?"  
  
Q gave me a pointed look. The kind of look that meant "duh".  
  
I smirked at that. "But you're not going to tell me. Just as you're not going to tell me what your real concern is."  
  
That got me a little smirk in reply. "You've got a Time Lord brain ticking away in your head. You figure it out." He held up a wind-up clock that was ticking its way toward midnight from about 11:55. "Tick tock, Doctor. _Tick tock._ "  
  
He snapped his fingers again. I was back in the Replimat. My soup was steaming - it had been reheated - and my spoon was again at the side of the bowl and clean.  
  
But that wasn't all. It had changed. It had gone from a chicken broth soup to a lighter red sort of soup, with something in it. Chunks of soft... crackers? I took a spoonful and bit into it. Yes, definitely butter-flavored crackers mixed in with... tomato soup?  
  
I had a sudden rush of memory. I... knew how to make this, didn't I? The right mix of milk, butter, and pepper into the soup. The cooking time. How many crackers were needed for a specific quantity of soup.  
  
Odd.  
  
I continued eating. And I found the soup... vastly more enjoyable than I expected I would. Like it was something I had always eaten and enjoyed.  
  
I felt a sudden sense of excitement inside of me. Was this... something from my past? Had Q left me a little hint of some sort?  
  
I would consider the issue as I enjoyed the bowl of soup.  
  
  
  
  
Nerys was waiting for me when I returned to the TARDIS. "Ready to go home?", I asked.  
  
She shook her head. "I'm actually going to be staying on the station for a little bit. I have some things I want to catch up on."  
  
"Ah." I nodded. "Well. Alright." I walked up to the TARDIS door and opened it. Instead of going in right away, I turned back to her and gave Nerys a hug. "Take care, Nerys."  
  
"And the same to you, Doctor." She smiled at me. But it was tinged with a bit of worry, I could see. "I hope the Prophets' words gave you the help you needed."  
  
I was still contemplating them, to be the truth. The Prophets could be rather cryptic. Communication issues or perhaps contractual obligations, who knows. But for Nerys I nodded. "I think they have," I said. "Still have some thinking to do."  
  
"Right." She gave me another hug. "Let me know how it all turns out?"  
  
"Oh, of course," I promised. "I will."  
  
"Thank you." She gave me a final nod and smile before leaving the quarters.  
  
I watched her leave and took in a breath. My mind was still processing everything. What the Prophets had said. What Q had said. That I had found that particular kind of soup so refreshing. Things were starting to move, that was clear.  
  
At the TARDIS controls I set in some coordinates. I wanted to go think for a while. Maybe go see some of the others I called friend. Perhaps Holmes might help me sort through these facts and give me a fresh perspective. I reached for the TARDIS control lever and pulled.  
  
After I did so, the coordinates I put in suddenly changed. I blinked at that as the TARDIS shifted. "That's not right," I muttered. I reached for the coordinate control and tried to change it.  
  
It wouldn't change.  
  
I didn't recognize the new coordinates. It's not something I would ever put in randomly. "Why did you change?", I asked aloud. But there was no answer.  
  
Not, at least, until a piece of paper came down from above me, amongst the little containers I used for various things I kept near the TARDIS controls. I snatched it out of mid-air and read it.

> _I figured you deserved a nudge in the right direction. - Q_

I drew in a sigh and went to the TARDIS door. When I stepped out it was into warm weather. Not too hot, but definitely on the warm side. I scanned my surroundings; a suburban area. Early 21st Century, American, and given the license plate on the vehicle in the drive, the state of Georgia. I looked at the small house and wondered why this was so important. I pulled out the sonic to scan.  
  
Curious. A powerful energy source, not standard for this era. With the sonic in hand I unlocked a latch leading into the back yard. There was a very large tool or utility shed in the back. Virtually a garage. I noticed the power source was coming from inside it.  
  
Given this is where Q wanted me to go, I figured this bore investigation. So I went to the door of the garage. The door was locked and the sonic handled that. I opened it...  
  
...and promptly took a full stun bolt charge in the chest. It is not fun being tasered, people, and it definitely leaves a lot to be desired. Especially when you're hit with a stun charge powerful enough to knock out a Human being.  
  
I am not Human, though. And so I made sure to fall on my stomach so I could hide that I was getting my sonic disruptor in my hand and out of my harness. I felt hands take my shoulder and twist me to face upward. I swung the disruptor up and pointed it at my attacker.  
  
She was on the small side. Human. Asian features and twenty-something. Blue eyes. And her hair was...  
  
...purple?  
  
Yes, very purple. It reminded me of Lucca.  
  
Thought rippled through me. I... knew her. And I knew she had some connection to Lucca. But what? What was...  
  
I almost got tased again for my distraction. But this time she used an actual taser, and Molly's enchantments on my vest kept the voltage from doing more than being a bit painful. I brought the sonic screwdriver up and let it whir in reply. The taser exploded in sparks in the young lady's hands, forcing her to drop it with a shriek of surprise. If a "Dammit!" could be such. "Please, no more of that," I said. "I just want to..."  
  
I heard a very loud war cry coming from nearby. It gave me plenty of warning to sidestep my would-be attacker, who swung a shovel at mid-air and missed me. He was so unbalanced by the miss that he toppled over and fell into the young woman's legs, knocking them out from under her. She let out a furious " _Yancy!_ " as she fell into the nice grass underneath us.  
  
The young acne-suffering lad gave her a sheepish look. "Sorry, Miss Chan."  
  
"Urgh!"  
  
I kept my sonic disruptor low and stepped back. "Listen, I don't want to fight," I insisted. "I'm just investigating that power source you've got in there. It's..."  
  
Thoughts shifted in me. I did know these two, didn't I?  
  
"Panzer Pyro," I muttered.  
  
A frustrated growl came from Miss Chan as she tried to untangle herself from her would-be rescuer.  
  
"You are Amy Chan," I said.  
  
"And you're trespassing," she mumbled back.  
  
I took a step back. Why? Why did Q want me to be here? Why did he send me to this world? Why did he send me to meet Mayabird?  
  
I hadn't realized I said that name until Miss Chan looked at me like I was a madman. Which, of course, I am, but for different reasons. "Maya-who?"  
  
"Mayabird," I breathed. Mayabird. Amy. Amy Chan. Names and images swirled in my head. I could see someone much like Miss Chan. With a different age. Maybe a bit shorter. A pizzeria of some sort? A large hotel. Christmas decorations and heavy traffic. Something about a band and a bowl game...  
  
Pain _erupted_ in my head with such ferocity that I screamed and fell backward. I scrambled backward in the grass. At the periphery of my hearing I heard Yancy say, "Woh, is he okay?"  
  
"It's fine!", I shouted, even though I felt like my head wanted to split open. I tried to look at them again. My eyes focused on Amy. Amy Chan. Amy... no, not Chan. Another name. She's into ornithology, she likes Lucca, she....  
  
The pain in my head increased. I cried out again. My vision blurred and Amy and Yancy became simply figures, no details. They were staying in place, presumably not quite knowing what to do about the stranger who had trespassed, said strange things to them, and was now writing on the floor in incredible pain.  
  
I knew this world. More names came to mind. The Blackthornes for instance. Sorcerer family in the Appalachians, of British and Celtic stock. Named Nitram and Tevar.... wait, no, their names are....  
  
_AGGGH!_  
  
In the throes of that agony I managed to get my hand into my pocket and grip the TARDIS remote. I could hear the _VWORP VWORP VWORP_ as the TARDIS materialized around me and, acting on the protocols from my distressed mental impulses, shifted away.  
  
I was now on the floor of the control room. Through the pain I tried to collect my thoughts. Those people... they were connected to others. People in my life. People I had known.  
  
People I had considered friends.  
  
I reached for those memories. Those names. Those faces. But incredible pain fought back. It would not let me grip them. It would not let me focus.  
  
Q's words came to me again. Why was this being blocked? Why did those who took me - Rassilon, presumably - want me blocked off from the memories of my past life? What was so dangerous about that knowledge?  
  
I needed to know.  
  
Which meant I needed those memories back.  
  
So I fought the pain. I fought the block. I grabbed at those memories. "No," I rasped. "No, I won't let you stop me. I want to know. _I need to know._ "  
  
I kept fighting. I had to.  
  
And I did.  
  
Until I lost consciousness, anyway.  
  
  
  
  
I was in another of those little dreams I sometimes get.  
  
I had been in this room before. The dinky little office. The suited fellow with glasses who looked like he was going to intimidate Sigmund Freud. Only this time, instead of paper work there were a collection of little holographic guys in power armor.  
  
Someone was speaking to them. "I think we have made excellent progress for today gentlemen, but for now I have another patient I need to take care of." The purple one turned to face me and quickly vanished in a puff of light faster than the rest. Soon they were all gone. The man behind the desk tilted his head slightly and smirked. “Welcome back. Why don't you take a seat?"  
  
I blinked as I fumbled for the seat. My head was still throbbing a bit. "So... this place again?"  
  
He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "It seemed as good of a place as any. By the way, how are Amy and Yancy? It has been so long since I heard any news out of Mistyverse."  
  
I rubbed at my head. "Healthy enough to taser me, I..." I stopped. "You know, if you're just a part of my mind, you should know this." I looked at him intently, studying those studious eyes under those glasses. "Who are you?"  
  
"Oh, that is probably the best question yet." The smirk grew into a knowing smile. "Time Lord, I'd like to think I'm helping you out. Not the only one trying, but sometimes Q's touch lacks subtlety. You can't just tell people what to feel and do, that makes them feel angry. Or in your case, tasered."  
  
Ah. Another person helping me out. I was just swimming in good will, wasn't I? I scowled. "I seem to be awash in assistance from people who don't seem to be giving me real assistance."  
  
That triggered a deep laugh that was a bit too harsh to pass as St. Nick. "I stand corrected. _that_ is your best point yet." Another pause as he composed himself. "Real help. Real help. Real help. Think back. When did all of this start?"  
  
I was not in the mood for cryptic questioning. "When what started? These attempts to 'help' me? The entire plot?"  
  
"You, you big dummy!" He made circle motions over his head. "You as, well, you. When you took the name." Frustration had seeped into his voice. Much like my own. I suppose this was different from the usual behavior I faced when dreaming of the Doctors, or of that sad woman who was starting to show up.  
  
I thought of what he said. Where I had started? "Me as me"? So he meant after I was changed. I thought back to that Sith station. Waking up in that abattoir of dead slaves. Trying and failing to flee Sith Imperial forces and being gunned down. My regeneration into my current form.  
  
But I stopped as I thought about that. That... wasn't the beginning, wasn't it? Not the real beginning for me. Not when I actually realized what I wanted to be. What standard I was going to set for myself.  
  
The Prophet with Katherine's face had said, " _From the moment you became the Doctor..._ " The moment I became the Doctor. Or more accurately, the moment I decided to be the Doctor.  
  
Was that it? Was that what they were getting at?  
  
"Click Click Click. Watch those gears turn. Time for you to wake up again."  
  
  
  
  
I sat up suddenly. A mistake as my head still hurt and it made me want to throw up for a moment. I had a monstrous bloody headache from my earlier efforts.  
  
As the pain cleared I went back to my thoughts. About what the Prophet-Katherine had said, about what that annoying bugger in the office had said.  
  
And then there was Q. Who had decided to give me a nudge by introducing me to Amy Chan, resulting not only in that tasering, but in the realization that I recognized her. That I associated her with a piece of my old life.  
  
I could feel it, in fact. I could still feel it, fading as it was back into that box in my head. I had known someone who was like Amy Chan. Someone I associated with her. Someone I had met and liked as a friend. And there were other associations there...  
  
My mind went even further back. My encounter with the _Aurora_ , and with Commander Kane. I remembered that I had felt a similar sensation there, an association.  
  
I thought on that through the throbbing pain in my head. Associations had slipped through the box in my head. They had allowed me to retrieve, if only for a time (and at a mental cost) some of the data in there. Was that the key?  
  
It was at least part of it. Because as I thought about it, I realized that association alone may not be enough. It was just the start. A clue on how...  
  
And then it came to me. Faint memories, memories without detail, memories intended to ensure remembrance.  
  
And I knew why they had said those things. Why they had talked about the beginning for me.  
  
I had to go back to the beginning.  
  
I had to go back to the place where I had decided to become the Doctor. And there, I could find the answers I needed.  
  
  
  
  
I stepped out of the TARDIS and onto the wide meadow. The forest ringed it as if it were a protective fence for this gentle place.  
  
Seeing it, thinking of the lake beyond… yes. This was the place.  
  
This was the true beginning of my journey.  
  
A voice boomed in my head. _**HELLO DOCTOR.**_  
  
"Hello Mogo," I said softly. "Been awhile, hasn't it?"  
  
**_YES. I SENSE YOU ARE IN TURMOIL. YOU MAY REST._**  
  
I shook my head. "I appreciate the offer. But I'm on the clock." I took in a breath. "Very shortly , Mogo, you will have visitors. Those visitors will be me and my first Companions, coming for a break after their hectic first adventure. He will come to this meadow. When he comes…. I need you to show him, to show me, the people in his memory. Family. Friends. All of that." I swallowed. "It's very important. And he must not know."  
  
**_I SEE. I WILL DO THIS._**  
  
I nodded. And I waited. I would soon see if my plan worked.  
  
I had been repeatedly told the box in my mind could not be forced open. Not without breaking me. It was a simple fact; brute force wouldn't work. I needed to find another alternative.  
  
But the sensations of memory I had upon contemplating Commander Kane on the _Aurora_ had made me realize an alternative. The box, and whatever compulsions had been placed upon me in its defense, could potentially be undermined by strong associations. Seeing something, or someone, who had a direct connection to those lost memories slipped past the compulsion and the box and accessed those lost memories directly. I had felt such a thing with Commander Kane. And while it pains me to admit it, Q had proven a great help in the matter. By setting me up to meet Amy Chan, linked so closely to someone I had once known, he ensured I would get confirmation on this weakness of the block in my head.  
  
Painful confirmation, true, but still confirmation.  
  
Which was why I was here. Here, when Mogo had showed me those I once knew. I didn't remember them myself at this point - the box had done its work - but I remembered the event, and I knew what that meant. I could see what Mogo showed that earlier version of me. And I could let the associative element do its painful work of bringing memories out of the box.  
  
Plus, it gave me further... options, shall we say. But I'll get to that in a moment.  
  
It was a short while later that I heard the _VWORP VWORP VWORP_ in the distance. It was tricky, arranging for my TARDIS to come so near itself, but I'd had years of studying with the TARDIS to perfect that kind of control. Necessary, given the other me knew virtually nothing about flying it.  
  
I thought I would be ready to see myself. But I wasn't. It was just so… strange to see how I had been back then. Wearing that blue suit jacket and light blue shirt underneath, not even a vest over the shirt, and the matching blue trousers. Here, away from Jan and Cami, he looked so vulnerable and confused.  
  
And he still had no idea how this would play out. He didn't know whom he would end up meeting, befriending, and losing. He only knew what he had already lost, not realizing just how far that loss would go. That he would forget they ever existed. Just as I had.  
  
He sat down in the clearing and looked around. I waited quietly until…  
  
Figures appeared. People. They were looking at him. He looked back in silence until he asked Mogo why. How he was showing not just the dead but the living. And upon that answer, he asked why Mogo was showing him those he believed lost to him.  
  
**_SO THAT YOU REMEMBER THEM._**  
  
Mogo wasn't just talking to my counterpart anymore. He was talking to me.  
  
And I saw the faces. All of them. I felt my mind begin to link them to names. Pain surged from my mind as something resisted the use of those names.  
  
Through the pain, I could feel memories growing clearer. Online internet chat rooms, birthday parties, car trips. So many memories. Human memories.  
  
My head throbbed anew as I tried to take them in. The box was fighting back. It was trying to contain these resurfaced memories. But I couldn't let it. I grabbed onto every memory in my head and held on defiantly.  
  
I wasn't sure it would be enough. I needed more. And I knew how to get it.  
  
Soon my younger self fell asleep under the warmth of the sun Mogo had chosen for his orbit. I walked out of my hidden TARDIS and into the clearing. My counterpart was fast asleep and, better than that, completely untrained and inexperienced in the ways of his mental abilities. I didn't have to worry about waking him unless I wanted him awake.  
  
I sat down next to him. I admit to feeling both sympathy and jealousy for him. Sympathy for what he would inevitably go through, jealousy for the good times he was going to enjoy, that I had enjoyed.  
  
The memories in my mind were fading. The box, of course. Still doing its work.  
  
I reached my hands down and pressed them gently to the face of my younger self. I felt into his mind. I felt all of the confusion, the uncertainty, and the wonder of what had happened to him. His surge of triumph for facing down Darth Malgus and saving so many people from Sith slavery. For saving Jan and Cami.  
  
I pressed deeper. I pressed into what made him… him.  
  
All of the sudden pain shot through my head. There it was, I realized. A compulsion, planted in me to keep me from doing this. To make me so distracted with pain I couldn't.  
  
But I wouldn't let that stop me. Too much had happened. Too much was at stake. I had to get this done and get it done now. I fought the compulsion and kept the link open. I felt the memories of my younger self, not yet locked away. I took what I had seen when Mogo had been showing him our past and I used those images, those associations, to pull even more memories and knowledge from his mind into mine.  
  
I don't know if I can describe how it felt. Having those memories return. Knowing what my life had been like before, well, this. That I had anything like a life before this. Just a usual Human, too. Nothing particularly interesting. Nothing that stood out, really. Except maybe shoe size.  
  
But I felt sharp pains elsewhere now. In my chest, over my heart. Just the one. The left heart, that is, the one where a Human's sole heart would be. As if I were still Human.  
  
How many of you have gone a decade without seeing anyone who cared for you? You might know what I was feeling then.  
  
I thought of family. Friends. My brother and aunts and uncles and cousins and co-workers. Names and places I had been to. I could remember riding in the passenger seat of a tractor-trailer moving through the hills of southern Pennsylvania. The wind of Puget Sound striking me face as a ferry made about twenty knots across the sound. The mountainside at Maggie Valley in the Carolinas when I was just a child. The beauty of the Florida Keys. The sight of a seaside dawn, with the sun gently lifting above the horizon.  
  
The loved ones who were no longer around.  
  
Tears were flowing down my eyes as it all came back.  
  
Including the most important part. The thing I needed more than anything. The thing the compulsion had been meant to keep from me.  
  
My name.  
  
_My name._  
  
I don't know if I can ever adequately describe what that felt like. To know who I once was before this, this grand and terrible thing had been thrust upon me. To regain who I had once been.  
  
We are all the sum of our experiences and memories, modified by whatever inclinations we may possess naturally. Now I felt almost like a second mind had come to inhabit the space of my own. It was… disorientating.  
  
I got back to my feet and moved away from my younger self. My head was swimming so much that I stumbled. My head hurt. I was trying to process this extra set of memories, to integrate them with the rest of my memories. Nearly thirty years of memories added to ten as a Time Lord (not to mention what memories I still had of John Smith-Stevens' life).  
  
For a moment I was laid out on all fours. I took a breath and focused. I had to get back to the TARDIS. I had things to do.  
  
I picked myself up and kept going.  
  
As soon as I was back in the TARDIS I went to the controls and pulled the lever. This shifted us away. I let go of the lever and felt myself collapse onto the floor. My head hurt so much I was ready to just take a rest again.  
  
But I couldn't rest. I had to stop Rassilon. I needed to find a way to face him.  
  
As I thought of that, I found myself asking the question Q had posed. Why had my memories been locked away? Why had my name been taken from me? What possible motive did the Time Lords have for doing that?  
  
The answer was obvious. It posed a threat to the plan. An impediment.  
  
But what?  
  
What did these memories provide me in terms of knowledge? How was that dangerous? About the only thing they would let me do is…  
  
I stopped at that thought. "Could it be that?", I murmured to myself. "Really?"  
  
Well, there was only one way to find out.  
  
I went to the TARDIS controls. I wouldn't be putting in coordinates, not for this destination. Best to make use of another method. So I reached under the control and pulled out my mechanism of choice.  
  
The telepathic circuit. "All right," I muttered. "Let's go."  
  
I focused on one of the reclaimed memories. An office building lobby. Not a big one, but with a security desk. Computer screens for monitors and reading badges. Christmas decorations.  
  
It was the night I was taken to be turned into a Time Lord.  
  
I wanted, I _needed_ , to see that moment. For my own assurance.  
  
And so that is where I went next.  
  
  
  
  
I won't bore you with details on the building in question. It was like most other commercial structures in a service economy, part of a multiple-building complex.  
  
I materialized the TARDIS in stealth mode from a vantage point that was out of the way. I took out my spyglass, and I waited.  
  
Not long after I arrived, I watched myself show up. My much younger self, I suppose. The memories were still jostling around in my head, finding their natural place in the spaces of my mind. My memory of this night blurred with other similar nights; sitting at a desk all night watching this and that and trying to pass the time. I breathed in and kept watching as that other me took up his shift like it was any other night. I couldn't remember what the time was when I was taken. I could be here for hours.  
  
And they went by. An hour. Two. Three. I kept an eye out for anything like a dimensional disturbance. Some background energies that drew my attention, but nothing definite.  
  
It was at about the fourth hour that something did seem to happen. I registered an energy surge in a subspatial dimension. It was a surge of incredible power. I intensified my concentration. The moment had clearly come. The abduction was about to take place.  
  
Answers were about to be given, long-awaited answers.  
  
I watched intently as the energy surged. There was a brief flash of released dimensional energies and...  
  
....and nothing.  
  
Nothing at all.  
  
I stared. I checked the time. Was it really later in the night? I could swear it was on the earlier side. I frowned and kept watching.  
  
The fifth hour came. The sixth. Dawn started cracking over the horizon. I stared in disbelief as nothing out of the ordinary.  
  
And then the moment came. The sun was in the sky and my younger self was heading out to go home.  
  
No. This couldn't be. This wasn't possible. How could I still be here? I searched my memories, wondering if this was the wrong night. But it wasn't. I double-checked the local time - it was the right day. The right early morning. This is where my Human memories ended. How could he still be here when _my_ memories were over?!  
  
I thought back to that dimensional surge of energy. What had that been? I needed to know.  
  
To prepare, I shifted myself over to "my" home. I worked on what I needed, I examined scans and everything. I saw patterns I recognized, but I needed to scan my younger "self" to make sure.  
  
I left the TARDIS out of sight and hid myself nearby. There could be no invisibility device or some such for this. I needed a clean scan without the interference such fields could cause, every minute detail accounted for.  
  
Eventually he came. He was tired. He just wanted to go home. I knew this, because I remembered being him. And he just wanted to go upstairs to that small apartment and do his daily routines. He - I - could be a creature of habit, really.  
  
Actually, I still can be to many extents.  
  
Either way, I waited until he was starting to go up the stairs before I moved around the stairwell. I held up my sonic and scanned with my free hand holding the tip to muffle the "whir" enough that, with his - my - bad hearing, it couldn't be heard. Once I had the results I rushed over to the nearby tree where the TARDIS was invisible in stealth mode. I went to the controls and called up the scan I took.  
  
It had been several hours since the dimensional event, so the traces were a little weaker than they would have been, but I got the results. There was an energy signature on him. The result of proximity to a massive surge of temporal energy. By all appearances he had been taken through... and brought back.  
  
And then there was the other energy signature.  
  
A signature I knew. One I knew all too well.  
  
My eyes moved down to below the control panel. Into the pit area of the control room where I kept so many gadgets I employed. They focused on a corner with a twisted, blackened heap that had once been a carefully-constructed device.  
  
I felt... I don't know. Horror? Disbelief? Sheer bloody bewilderment? It was probably an overreaction, if you want me to be honest, to the truth. I mean, I had done it to others myself, and for a good purpose.  
  
And now, ha, I find out that the same was done to me.  
  
The Time Lords, Rassilon, had not actually abducted me.  
  
They had _copied_ me.  
  
I was a quantum duplicate.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having learned the shocking truth behind his origins, our narrator discovers why his memory was suppressed. Then there's the bit where he gets called to help Cami and Jan with the typical end of a pregnancy, which leads to a surprising meeting in their home.

I stared at the results for a while. I just stared.  
  
Quantum duplication. That was it. That was why there was another me out there, living the life I was taken from.  
  
I was a quantum duplicate.  
  
Well, okay, more like we both were. Quantum duplication isn't like cloning after all. It's not using cells to grow another organism just like yourself. Even if you had a way to copy and implant your mind and memories into the clone. Quantum duplication is far, far more involved, since it is essentially taking the raw quantum-level information that makes you up and making a copy of it with high energy matter manipulation. Like highlighting text in a computer file and hitting "Copy" to "Paste" said text into another document. Just a lot more complicated.  
  
I had tried my hand at it before, as you undoubtedly remember. My results were… mixed, to say the least.  
  
How fitting to find that the same was done to me.  
  
I decided I needed to rest. I laid in my control room hammock and continued to go through my memories. It had been bad enough before, mind you, and now it was arguably worse.  
  
Before, I at least had the prospect that if I wanted to I could go home. I could resume my old life. Maybe even mix it up if I wanted; go on trips and then come home.  
  
But not now. To do so I would have to take away that other me. Who probably had no idea what had been done to him. I would have to tear him away from his life in order to live it.  
  
I would have to do to him what Rassilon had done to me.  
  
And how could I even consider such a thing?  
  
Oh, I know that, rationally, in the long run I was getting the better part of the deal. I was a Time Lord now. I had gotten to travel the wonders of creation, met beings I knew as friends and allies that he would never dream of meeting, and attain heights he would not. I had the Multiverse at my fingertips; he was struggling along as a blue collar worker in a tough economy.  
  
But to have the choice taken from me. That hurt.  
  
I realized that a part of me had been hoping to do just that when this was over. A part that had been overjoyed to find home, a chance to go home.  
  
Now that I knew this, that possibility had been stripped from me. I could never go home. No matter how much I might want to.  
  
All of that work, reclaiming my old memories, and all it would bring me is pain.  
  
I groaned in frustration. This was getting me nowhere. I could mope later. I had a further mystery to solve.  
  
Why had Rassilon been so bent on keeping me from my home Earth? He clearly didn't have to worry about me taking up my old life. He'd made sure of that with the quantum duplication.  
  
There had to be something else here. Something else that could serve as a vulnerability.  
  
I pulled myself out of the hammock with a groan and returned to the TARDIS controls. I turned on all the scanners. There had to be something out there to explain this. And I would find it.  
  
I had to.  
  
  
  
  
I took a bit to change clothes, clean up, that sort of thing, and I went to work investigating scan results. Before I had been focusing entirely on my night of abduction and the place of it. Now I expanded the search.  
  
I went through the wavelengths and types of scans. There was the leftover energy from the surge that had been used to duplicate me. Trace amounts of various other things, enough for me to know that there was more going on here. But no signs of an actual Crack or anything of that sort.  
  
Okay, dead end there. I went back to thinking. Why was Rassilon so bent on keeping me from coming back here? What was so special about my home Earth? It was one of the more metaphysically stable worlds, yes. But what else was so special about it?  
  
I considered the possibilities, one by one. Sixth-dimensionally, this Earth was at a fairly central location, going by coordinates at least. Maybe it had something to do with that? Was there something I might do here to meddle with his plans?  
  
Urgh. Not enough data. Just… there wasn't enough data!  
  
I smacked my hand on the TARDIS control out of frustration. "Has to be something," I muttered. "There has to be more to this. Why wouldn't he want me back here? What could I possibly do here that I can't do anywhere else?" I looked up at the TARDIS core. "It doesn't make any sense. I mean, what is special about this world that I would pose a threat to… him…."  
  
A light dawned in my head. One thing I had not tried, not in a while, and had obviously not done while I was here.  
  
I thought through the right coordinates in a hurry. My hands flew over the controls in line with my thoughts, adjusting the arrival coordinates appropriately.  
  
When I was done, I pulled the TARDIS lever.  
  
And for the first time ever with these coordinates, I was answered by a _VWORP VWORP VWORP_.  
  
"That's it," I gasped to myself. "That's why."  
  
I rushed to the door and opened it. I found myself on a curbside in a city street, just inside an alleyway. I stepped out and looked about at the sight of…  
  
...why, merry old London, of course.  
  
I didn't make out the actual area I was in. Nevertheless I rushed back into the TARDIS and, after a few minutes' search, found a few quid of the right time frame. I went back out and started walking down the street until I found a newsagent stand. I looked at the available papers and quickly located the _Times_. The main story was talking about "cubes" that had materialized suddenly…  
  
I swallowed and set the paper down. I felt my hearts starting to race as I considered a smaller local paper. Another story about the cubes was in the corner.  
  
The byline read " **By Sarah Jane Smith** ".  
  
"You going to buy something?!", the operator demanded.  
  
"Oh…. sorry there." I put the paper back, yanked up a couple little packets of chocolate candy, and flipped him the requisite coins. "Keep the change."  
  
I was running on automatic at that point. This… this was it. The Doctor's cosmos. I'd finally, after all this time, made it.  
  
It was strange, though, that it took returning to my home cosmos to do so. As if there were a connection between them that made that the only cosmos I could start this trip from.  
  
With that thought in mind I went back to the TARDIS. When I got to the controls I decided to test things. I set coordinates for the Citadel and pulled the TARDIS lever.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Okay there," I mumbled. "What is this?" I changed coordinates again. Manticore, this time.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
Then Republic City. Chicago. Solaria. Bajor. I tried another ten or so locations and couldn't lock onto them. Satisfied with that, I set the coordinates back to my original Earth.  
  
_VWORP VWORP VWORP._  
  
How interesting. I wondered if this could be some sort of result of the Time War, some increased trans-universal barrier that blocked off the sixth dimensional location of the Doctor's home cosmos. But if so, I needed to explain how it had reached my Earth.  
  
But before I could think more on that, I got a call on my phone. I picked it up, checking the ID coming in, and actually managed a smile despite everything at hearing the voice on the other end. "Jan, Cami, hello."  
  
I could hear a cry of pain in the background. " _It's time, Doctor_ ," Jan said, more than a bit of urgency in her voice.  
  
"Oh, dear," I answered. "I'm on my way." I ported over the coordinates the call provided automatically and pulled the TARDIS lever. And I made sure to grab my medical kit pack just in case.  
  
  
  
  
What happened next wasn't really important to the story, so I'm not going to bother going into much detail on it. Seriously, I'm doing you a favor.  
  
After all, how often is the miracle of birth something that is well-covered in fiction? Or real life for that matter?  
  
I arrived at the estate on Salnorra and went right into the house. Chrissy and Kari were waiting patiently in the living area, being tended to by droids encouraging them to finish their schoolwork. Another droid was watching little Molly, Jan's second and still a toddler, toddle around the living area playing with what looked like blocks engraved in Basic characters. They didn't heed this when I entered. "Doctor! Doctor!" Kari jumped up and rushed over to me. "Mommy Cami is giving us another baby sister!"  
  
"Yes, so I've been told," I answered them, smiling. "I'll head up to your Mommy Cami, okay? To make sure your new baby sister is okay."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
I went upstairs and found them in the main bedroom. Cami was in the bedroom, laying on the bed with a medical droid providing the delivery service so that Cami could hold Jan's hand. "I don't remember Chrissy being this… _aaaaagh_... bad!"  
  
"Chrissy was a little on the small side, dear," Jan pointed out. I could see she was concentrating as well. Not so much from her wife crushing her hand but from an effort to ease her pain where possible through the Force.  
  
"Hold on. I think I have just the thing." I rushed over and pulled something out of a bag. "Layom Station-guaranteed to take the edge off," I promised, pushing an injector to the vein in Cami's left arm.  
  
It did seem to take the edge off, and I received smiles from the two.  
  
It was the usual thing from there. The miracle of birth is usually not so miraculous on the mother and Cami was still in quite a bit of pain before it was all over. A slightly feminine mechanical voice reported, with some hint of presumably-programmed pride, "Congratulations, mistresses. She is a girl." There was the light sound of cushioned metal thwacking flesh and a shriek that was not inhuman only on technicality filled the room. "What is the child's name?"  
  
"Yasuko," Cami said with a smile. A smile that belied all of the glistening sweat from her effort.  
  
The droid swaddled little Yasuko up in a blue blanket with what looked like baby banthas and nexus on it before handing the newborn to her mother. Yasuko was still crying. And while everyone knows babies are supposed to always be adorable, for the moment she looked like this shriveled up thing more than a photogenic infant. But maybe that was just the shrieking.  
  
There was noise at the door. I turned and saw the two elder daughters standing in the doorway, eyes wide with curiosity and amazement. Chrissy was pulling along little Molly who looked more lost than anything. "Can we see her?", Kari asked with barely-restrained enthusiasm.  
  
"Come in, girls," Jan said, nodding. "Come and meet your baby sister Yasuko."  
  
"Hold on everyone," I said. "I should get pictures of this..."  
  
  
  
  
The medical droid did most of the cleanup and I took most of the pictures, holographic and photographic, with this little family enjoying their newest addition. Once this was over Cami made it clear she was exhausted and needed rest. Jan brought baby Yasuko to a small baby bed in the living area before joining me out on their balcony overlooking the Salnorran valley I'd picked for their home. "Well." Jan sighed. "I'm glad that's over with."  
  
"Four sweet little girls," I remarked. "So adorable. Is that going to be all?"  
  
"Probably," Jan sighed. She leaned against the railing. "I think it will be."  
  
"Four is good," I agreed. I faced her and, for a moment, just contemplated what I saw. I had met this young woman when she wasn't even 20 (or the equivalent thereof) yet. Now here she was, still in the prime of life, but with a good decade and a half or so of life experiences to refine that passionate young ex-Padawan who had traveled the Multiverse with me at the beginning.  
  
Jan slipped into a seat. "How are you doing?', she asked.  
  
"I...." I stopped. How would I explain this? Should I? Jan had enough on her mind with Cami's giving birth and a new little girl in the family. "...let's just say I've gotten answers. And some... weren't what I considered they'd be."  
  
"It happens." Jan motioned to a seat. "I can sense the pain and turmoil inside of you, Doctor. Why don't you explain everything?"  
  
"I can't impose," I insisted. "You've got so much..." I stopped when I saw that glare form in her expression. I held my hands up. "Alright. Alright."  
  
So I told her.  
  
About everything.  
  
I saw her expression go from interested to pleased to horrified as I laid out the progression of events. When I was done I took up a glass of the celebratory spring wine I'd brought and sipped at it. The sweet flavor helped with my parched throat.  
  
"By the stars," Jan said. "I... I... Doctor, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Thank you for that," I answered. I swallowed. "I... I'm still getting used to it. All of those years of memories, I mean."  
  
"I can imagine."  
  
"I suppose I should be celebrating," I said. "I remember who I was. I have that identity back. I can't do anything with it because I'm a quantum duplicate, mind you. But I do have it back."  
  
"You're still you," Jan insisted. "You're still the wonderful being who helped us escape from slavery. You've... saved so many lives, so many worlds... This doesn't matter. You are who you are, whether or not there's another one of you."  
  
"But there isn't, is there?", I asked aloud. "I'm not like him anymore." I sipped at the wine and looked back out at the valley. "it's funny. I should feel sorry for him. He's living that small life. Working every day just to survive, like so many Humans in history. And here I am. A Time Lord brain far beyond any Human capacity. A lifespan measuring over a millennium even without further regenerations. And the whole of Creation is my playground." I drew in a sigh. "So why am I feeling jealous of him?"  
  
"Because that was your life." Jan sipped at the spring wine herself. "When we agreed to go with you back then, you explained this to us. That it had been your life. And you were taken from it against your will. Now you've discovered you can't even go back to it."  
  
"That must be it," I murmured. "Because that's the only thing that makes rational sense."  
  
"Well, you _are_ a madman in a box," Jan pointed out with some amusement.  
  
I had to laugh. "I suppose so, yes. Rationality doesn't always figure in to it, does it?" I sighed. "Now everything has changed. I have my old homeworld back, I can go back whenever I want. And through there, I can go to the Doctor's cosmos. Now I just need to figure out how to talk to him. How I might convince him to help me." I took another drink.  
  
"Do you need me to go and watch your back?", Jan offered.  
  
I almost spat the spring wine out over the balcony in my haste to respond. After forcefully swallowing I shook my head. "No. No, I do not need you to do that, Jan," I insisted.  
  
"If you need help..."  
  
"Jan, please." I leaned in toward her. "Jan, you have four little girls and a wife who love you and who need you. I will _not_ turn them into orphans and a widow. This is the most dangerous mission I have ever contemplated, without a doubt."  
  
"You said the same thing about fighting the Reapers," Jan pointed out.  
  
"This is worse," I answered. "Rassilon makes Harbinger look like Kari."  
  
"I see." Jan thought on it. "Alright. I understand. But please, you need someone with you. Not just this other Doctor. You need someone you know, someone who knows you and will protect you."  
  
"I understand," I said. That was all I would say because no, I was not intending to bring anyone with me.  
  
And Jan realized that, which is why she was scowling at me. But before she could say anything, we heard movement at the door.  
  
Kari was standing there, looking very cute in her little blue blouse and white skirt, hands held in front of her. "Doctor?", she asked. "Can we have a puppet show? For Molly."  
  
I chuckled at that and glanced toward Jan, who could only smirk. "Puppet shows, eh?", I asked. "Well, all right, I suppose." I smiled toward Jan. "it just depends on which one you want."  
  
"You have more?!", Kari inquired eagerly.  
  
"Oh yes," I vowed, solemnly. "There's the one where I fight evil shapeshifters along the Gems, there's a new one with Harry, and a couple others.... although you might still be too young for the one about my adventure with Lady Hawke of Kirkwall." I winked. "But there's still saving a world from an evil extradimensional being alongside a twin brother and sister _and_ my adventure with the legendary gunman Vash the Stampede!"  
  
"I want to hear them all!", Chrissy declared, joining the conversation with little Molly still following her.  
  
"I wanna hear about the Gems!", Kari insisted. "I liked them!"  
  
"Alright, alright," I said, smiling. I stood up. "Let me go get my theater and make sure all of the puppets are in good order, eh?"  
  
  
  
  
The children delighted in the puppet show as always. It was rather late by the time it was over and Jan made it clear that it was bedtime. When she came back down, a tired-looking Cami accompanied her. Her proximity seemed to awaken little Yasuko, who awoke and started screaming. Presumably it was time for her first meal.  
  
Cami was handling that while I, at her and Jan's insistence, told her about what I had learned. "I'm sorry," was all she managed. "To think that you can't go back to your old life..."  
  
I nodded. "Nope."  
  
"You can stay here as long as you need," Cami insisted. "You know that."  
  
"I do." I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes. It sounded so tempting. I had time, right? I'm a time traveler. I could take some time off. Digest what I had just learned. Spend time with my first Companions and their adorable children. Be the crazy uncle. Take them on little trips to Beach City and Republic City. Make even more puppet shows. That sort of thing.  
  
Why not? I needed the downtime. I did. I had so much in my head that I wasn't sure I could properly focus. I should take the time and make sure my head was on right.  
  
There were footsteps coming down the stairs. Jan and Cami looked up to where Kari was coming down the staircase, wearing her blue and green-flower patterned pajamas. "Momma, mommy? There's a strange droid in my room."  
  
"What?" Jan blinked. "What do you mean a strange droid?"  
  
"It's probably that new cleaning droid I had delivered," Cami said. "Don't worry about it and go to bed."  
  
"But it's..."  
  
By this time I had my sonic screwdriver out. The energy readings it was picking up caused me to jump to my feet. Fear, real fear, rushed through me as I took off for the stairs.  
  
"Doctor?" Jan's voice called out behind me. I heard her stand as well. "Doctor?! What is it?!"  
  
"A Crack!", I shouted back. "There's a Crack here!" I got to the upper floor and took off down the hall leading to the bedrooms. Chrissy was standing at the door to Kari's bedroom staring inside. "Chrissy, get away!", I shouted. "Get away now! Get Molly!"  
  
I heard her start to protect, but I shut it out. I reached for my sonic disruptor which was, of course, there, because I no longer took anything for granted. I brought up the sonics as I entered the room.  
  
My nightmares already told me what I would probably find. An Auton. A Cyberman. A Clockwork Robot. A Dalek. Something heralding a threat to this, the sanctuary and home of those I cared for. A threat to their lives. I brought the sonic disruptor up, ready to shield myself from whatever attack came.  
  
" _Greetings._ "  
  
I looked down to find the source of the highly mechanical voice speaking to me. There was a red light showing in the darkened room, partially illuminating a silhouette. The "droid" was rather short. Very short. Not human-sized at all, not even Dalek-sized.  
  
The mechanical voice resumed. " _My apologies for the intrusion. I appear to have suffered an extra-dimensional displacement event._ "  
  
I recognized the voice. And blurted out the name that came to my mind.  
  
" _K-9?!_ "


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His encounter with K9 allows our narrator to realize the true nature of the Cracks and the threat they pose to the worlds he has visited. With the stakes clear, he prepares to travel into the Doctor's cosmos to gain his assistance against the machinations of Rassilon. But is it wise for him to go alone?

I reached over and found the light switch. It illuminated Karianas' room, which was what you might expect for a girl of about ten years of age.

In the middle of the room was a small robot. It had no legs, moving instead by anti-gravity systems on the bottom. One single block-shaped red eye looked up at me from a head in the general shape of a dog.

Jan ran up behind me and entered the room. Her lightsaber was now in her hand but inactive. "What is it?"

"A K-9 robot," I remarked. I knelt down in front of him.

"Greetings Mistress. I am K-9. I apologize for the intrusion."

"Apology accepted," Jan said, nodding. She looked at me. "It came through the Crack?"

"That it did." I held out the sonic and scanned around. The scans led me to Kari's closet. In the wall, at the level of the carpet, was a single Crack, running shining jagged lines near to the ground.

Jan's face showed concern. "Doctor, why is a Crack in my daughter's room?"

I swallowed. "I think it's because of me," I answered.

"You are the Doctor?", K-9 inquired. "You do not match any prior known appearance."

"I'm not that Doctor," I answered him. I turned and knelt down with my sonic out. "Can you tell me what happened to you?"

"I was continuing my duty of monitoring the black hole intersecting Earth's orbit. I recorded a powerful surge of dimensionally-disruptive energy. And I arrived here."

"Ah." I winced. "Well, that sounds like trouble. I'm guessing you should get ba-..."

Suddenly I was seized with a thought. It prompted me to hold out my TARDIS remote and bring the TARDIS right into Kari's bedroom. "K-9, my good fellow, might I be able to use those fancy hyperlinks you've got installed?"

"For what purpose?"

"To upload your onboard sensor data," I answered while opening the TARDIS door. "The systems you're installed with should have provided you quite the look at the Crack."

"Affirmative."

"Good dog."

I worked as quickly as I could in establishing the uplinks to K-9, who dutifully opened up his systems to send the data through. I watched it compile and felt a rush of excitement. I was getting a look at the Cracks I had yet to enjoy. All sorts of questions might be answered now. Already I could see that the energy of the Crack was as energetic as the one I found under Paris. If not slightly more so.

"You've been a great help, K-9," I said. I went to my communications station. "Might I ask another favor?"

"What is it that you require?"

"I need you to get a message to the Doctor," I answered. "If you can. I'm compiling it now."

K-9's head went up and down. "I will pass the message on."

"Thank you. You could say the fate of the Multiverse is at stake with this one," I answered while, rather intentionally, writing those lines into the message I was giving to K-9. When I was done I uploaded it into his systems. "There you go." I patted him on his metallic head. "Thank you, K-9. There's a lot going on and you have been a great help."

"Affirmative." It was said with a more chipper tone.

Once we were done K-9 and I stepped out of the TARDIS. By this point the other girls, and Cami, were also at the door. Kari entered. "Can I have him?", she asked. "I like him. He's the nicest droid I've ever seen."

K-9 bowed his head. "Thank you for your kind words, Mistress, but I am required elsewhere."

Kari pouted a little. "Okay," she said, sad. "But can I give you a kiss goodbye?"

"Affirmative."

Kari got on the floor beside him and gave him a peck on the snout. "Good droid doggy," she said.

"Thank you, Mistress."

"Good luck there, K-9," I said. "I'll seal up the Crack behind you."

"Affirmative, Doctor Mark II. I shall do what I can to pass the message you requested."

I nodded and thanked him again. K-9 turned away from us and back into the closet, where he entered the Crack.

"Okay everyone, give me a moment," I said. "I need to get the materials we need to close this thing."

"I wanna help!", Chrissy insisted.

"Oh, it's nothing," I insisted. I might have given in anyway, given the power of their pouts, but their mothers helped me on that count.

I got the Crack closed up and moved the TARDIS back out to the front yard of their lovely estate. Instead of returning inside immediately, though, I decided it was a better use of my time to go over the data I had gotten from K-9.

Of course, that was a mistake, as it took me all bloody night.

Then again, a good night's sleep would have been nice given what I found out.

 

The TARDIS door opened in the morning to admit Jan. She was carrying a tray of breakfast for me. Once she saw me sitting in a chair I'd brought up to the controls, staring endlessly at the main screen I had swiveled over to my location, I could hear a brief exhalation come from her. "You should have gotten rest."

"No time," I muttered. I was still staring at what I had found.

Jan didn't need the Force to see something was wrong. She walked up with the tray and set it on the controls near me. It looked like cereal and something like bacon. The aroma was quite refreshing to the senses. "Whatever it is, you need to eat."

"It all makes sense now," I murmured. "Everything."

Jan looked to the screen. I had the data from K-9, showing the various energy currents in the Crack. "I'm afraid I don't follow."

"The behavior of the Cracks. What they're doing. Everything." I tapped my fingers on the control panel beside me and continued to ignore the food Jan had brought out. "Why didn't I figure this out sooner? No, wait, don't answer, I know why. Because I'm a giddy idiot and I was more concerned with where I was going next than dealing with this."

"Doctor?"

"It's right there!", I shouted. "Right in front of my face! The pattern was there all along!"

I felt Jan put a hand on my shoulder. Serene calm emanated from her and into me. It was strange; passionate, eager Jan had become this calm, collected Jedi. She had grown so much…

I took in a sigh. "The reason why some Cracks drew in energy and some emitted it. It has to do with… with the structure of Reality if you will. Various cosmoses are 'closer' to one another, if you will, in the sixth dimensional structure."

"Okay." She regarded me with supreme patience.

"The more metaphysically stable a cosmos, the closer it is to one point. The less stable, the further along it is."

"Right."

"Now, cosmoses along the stable part of that spectrum had energy being drawn from them. Gibbs' world, Holmes', Westen's, those places."

"And places like our cosmos or Harry's or Korra's had energy coming out, yes."

"Yes, sorry, I know you know all of this, I'm just laying it out while I think on it." I felt my finger tapping increase. "Now I know why. It's… it's the structure, if you,will, of the Cracks. Or rather, that the Cracks are all connected. They're like… like tethers helping to anchor a central line, a central Crack. The reverse end of the tethers are all in one specific cosmos."

Jan nodded. "The cosmos all of those things coming through are from."

"Yes. My… I mean the Doctor's home cosmos." I hadn't quite caught myself. It had been so long since I had started to presume that was my home too. "There is an energy flow through that central Crack, though. Rassilon must be drawing power in. Tremendous amounts of dimensionally-charged energy from the… the barriers between each cosmos. In the process, though, this has created a wider energy flow. Because they're at the end of it, those metaphysically stable cosmoses are having energy drained out through the Cracks. And 'downstream', in the metaphysically softer cosmoses, some of that energy leeches out through the branchways leading to their Cracks."

"Do you know what causes the Cracks to form?"

I swallowed. "Me," I answered.

Jan looked at me.

"It makes the most sense," I sighed. "Every cosmos I have visited has had a Crack form there. Rassilon's machinery in the TARDIS allowed him to track me, to see where I went." I swallowed. "And it explains things that the Master and the Daleks said to me. About this being my doing, about how Rassilon's plans were going to work because of me."

"No wonder you're so upset." Jan put her hand on my arm. "It's not your fault."

"Every place I went," I said. "Every cosmos. I was bringing this to them. Every Crack is my fault. Every incursion that caused suffering and pain was my fault."

"No, it's not," Jan declared. "It's Rassilon's fault. You didn't know any better."

My lips quivered. "The Daleks were right. I'm the Destroyer. I've doomed everyone I've called a friend. All of those worlds I loved…"

"Stop it!"

We both turned. Cami was standing in the doorway of the TARDIS. She had left Yasuko with her older sisters for the moment. She was clearly exhausted, but that wasn't stopping the fire in her eyes. "Stop wallowing in this fit of self-guilt. Rassilon has used you. He took you from your life, he made it to where you couldn't go back, and he meddled with your mind. You cannot be held responsible for this. It is his fault." She pointed a finger at me. "And the only thing you can be blamed for is if you don't do anything to stop him. So, put that Time Lord brain to use, Doctor, and stop him."

Well. The roles had truly reversed, hadn't they? Now Cami was the tough love one while Jan was giving calm advice.

Jan smiled at her wife before looking to me. "Think, Doctor. Focus on what you have to do. How do you stop him?"

"Find the central point. The origin for that multi-dimensional tunnel. Gallifrey. I just need to find a way to enter the Cracks and get to the pocket universe they're in. That would put an end to this." I sighed and set my arms against my legs. "And I need to do it soon."

"Because it's getting worse, isn't it?", Jan asked. Her voice turned cool. She exchanged a worried look with Cami.

"Yes," I admitted. "It is. The energy states are becoming higher. It's like pressure building up before a geyser goes off. Or, I suppose, a volcano."

I turned my head. That calm was starting to fracture as Jan realized what I was saying. "Then… the Cracks…"

"They could potentially erupt, yes," I said. The visions in my dreams and from Garnet came to my mind again. "The destruction will be… stupendous."

Jan swallowed. Cami walked up and took her hand. "What should we do?", Cami asked.

I thought on it. "Take a vacation," I answered. "Somewhere out on the Outer Rim, maybe. That might be far enough in the worse case."

The color started coming out of their faces. I didn't blame them. I meant that 'might'. Going out to the rim of her galaxy might be far enough if the Cracks went off. I couldn't guarantee anything closer. But even that might not be enough. Nowhere, nowhen, would be safe from these Cracks.

It was horrible to think of that. Cami had just given birth. They had a baby daughter on top of the other three. And I had just told them that their baby girl and their other children were possibly doomed if I couldn't stop this.

Damn you, Rassilon.

"You'll do it, though," Jan insisted. "You can do this."

"I can."

Jan nodded. "And you still don't…"

I wouldn't let her finish that thought. "Jan, I can't. Not from you." I shook my head. "Your girls need you. Cami needs you." I looked to Cami. She was clearly torn between her worry for me and her worry for Jan and what might happen if she went with me. "This is my fight."

"But you can't go alone…"

"I won't be," I assured her. "I'm going to get help."

"The other Doctor?"

I nodded at her. "Yes. He can help me. And together we can stop anything Rassilon plans." I took her hand. "Don't worry about me. Just get Cami and the little ones ready, alright?"

She replied with a nod.

 

The family starcruiser was being fueled up by droids while others loaded the things they needed to spend a couple of months on any of the barely-civilized worlds of the Outer Rim. Seeing a baggy-eyed Cami trying to keep the girls straight while holding her often-wailing newborn daughter made me sigh. She should be in bed recuperating, not preparing for a long space voyage.

It also made me realize… not all of my friends or allies could do this. There were no interstellar ships in Republic City. Or Harry's Chicago. If the devastation was as widespread as it could be, if the worst of what I saw was right, the entire Federation could be destroyed - presuming the Q couldn't or wouldn't prevent the burst. And there were no Q to defend the Inner Sphere. Everything Katherine had worked for, everything she had loved, could be wiped out.

Indeed, there was no guarantee that whatever this was, it would stay constrained to one point in time. The Cracks could erupt on fourth-dimensional lines as well. Everything in the future or past also impacted. And I couldn't bring myself to consider the results of the ruptures going three-dimensional.

And evacuating… where would I take them? Every cosmos I had gone to had a Crack of some sort.

I had to do something. Just to stop thinking about all of these things. Just for the moment so I didn't drive myself mad with despair. I returned to the others and helped them with their packing. Jan and Cami gave me the space I needed, and for that I was deeply thankful.

Nothing happened until they were preparing to go. As goodbye hugs and such were shared, I noticed Kari was clearly distraught over something. But it was only when the hugs were done and everyone started to board the prepared star cruiser that she turned back to me. Her parents and siblings watched as she ran up to me and threw her arms around my waist. "Don't go!", she begged.

I looked down at her and put a hand on her head. "Kari, it's okay."

"No it's not!", she wailed. "It's not okay! If you go, we won't see you again!"

There was something in her voice. This wasn't just the fears of a child. I got onto a knee and faced her directly. "Now, Kari, don't worry."

"You can't go!", Kari insisted. "You can't! We'll never see you again! You'll be gone!"

"Please help! The Doctor is dying!" echoed in my head as the girl cried into my shoulder, begging me to not go. Jan walked up and put a hand on Kari's shoulder. "It's okay, Kari."

"Please, momma, explain it to him, make him understand!"

I looked to Jan. She drew in a sigh. "The girls have all shown some Force sensitivity."

"Ah. I see." I nodded and looked back to her. "Now don't you worry, Kari. Because I will come back. Okay?" When I saw I had not convinced her I reached to my neck and untied the purple necktie I was wearing. "You see this? It's my favorite." I pulled it loose from around my shirt collar and wrapped it over Kari's shoulders. "I'm going to leave it with you, okay? So that you know I'll be back for it. Take good care of it for me, eh? No letting Molly draw on it or Yasuko slobber all over it."

That didn't appease her entirely. I could tell. She took it in her hands and seemed to focus on feeling the texture of the cloth for a moment. "Okay," she finally said. "But you have to come back for it."

"Of course. It's my favorite tie. I don't have a complete suit without it, see?"

"You promise?"

I nodded and hugged the young girl. "I promise."

Her parents, misty-eyed, held her hands as they brought her into the starcruiser. I returned to the TARDIS door, from which I watched the ship take off. I waved at them through the cockpit when it showed before the sleek blue and green spacecraft accelerated skyward.

I stepped back into the TARDIS and took in a breath. And another. I found I was gripping the rail so tight my knuckles turned white.

My mind went back to that message coming through the Cracks.

"Please! He's dying! The Doctor is dying! I need your help!""

Maybe… that was me. Maybe this would be it. I wouldn't be coming back from this.

I don't get scared often. But the thought of it, of dying, no regenerations to be had… I felt gripped by fear. I heard myself speak. "I… I don't want to die."

I walked up to the TARDIS controls. I needed time to process this all. To process what was going on. What I needed to do. My fears, my worries. I had to or I would act before I was ready.

I looked over at the wall up the gangway. It was my picture wall. All off the people I knew, that I had met.

That was it. I would go and see them all. One last time.

And then…. I would go and face my fate, no matter what it entailed.

 

It would be pedantic to cover every conversation, every meeting, I had. Suffice to say I spent a time visiting others. I checked in on Katherine's family in time for the big event; Victor and Omi's wedding. It was rather splendid.

I was on Bajor in the proper time and place to hear the Vedek Assembly anoit one of their own as the new Kai. Nerys looked splendid in those white and golden robes of her ecclesiastical state. The bands of silver hair appearing in her normal red hair gave her a look of distinction. She smiled at me and came up to me for a hug, and I returned it.

I then paid a visit to Seven, although I went back a bit in the timeline while doing so. She and Chakotay had indeed taken up John Smith-Stevens' old house on San Juan Island. We exchanged greetings.

While I was there I even paid a visit to John's empty grave. I had business there. I decided it was best to leave his wedding ring with his memory. After I stepped away I turned back to see a figure in black walk up and open the box. Janet Peratrovich turned to me and gave me a sad look. But her nod was entirely thankful before she turned away. I could only hope she had a happy ending after all of that.

I made a quick trip to Mitakihara to check up on things. Metropolis next. It turned out they had a Crack there too. Ice Warriors, something to do with Killer Frost, but they only needed me to deal with the Crack.

In Chicago I found myself in a warehouse, where a group of frightened people were being freed by Karrin Murphy and her Chicago Alliance, although they were pinned in at the moment. I watched her, the Alphas, and some of John Marcone's hired Einharjar fighting off monsters and Fomor.

Oh, and Kuvira too.

Kuvira, in fact, clearly took the lead in dealing with their predicament. She bent walls of raw earth up from underneath to give them ramparts and used her Metalbending to tear the automatic weapons out of the hands of the Fomor servitors. This bought time for a charge to blast open the wall. The Alphas led the ordinary people out with the Einharjar coming up behind them. Kuvira took up the rear to cover Murphy's escape, evading attacks as she went.

She missed one. A big Fomor who came up behind her. I felt compelled to apply a kinetic charge to him with my sonic disruptor.

Kuvira looked up toward me a moment later. Her expression softened into… was that a smile? Yes, it may have been. I smiled back and returned to my TARDIS.

For all Kuvira had done… it was good to see she was getting the second chance she deserved.

While I was there I made sure to swing by the Carpenters' place and visit the family. We had a nice dinner and little Maggie was, I'm pleased to say, becoming more vibrant and open as a little girl. The trauma of what the Red Court had done was still there, but she was getting good to balance out the bad now.

On the Citadel I caught up with Shepard and Liara, who biotic-blasted me into a fountain after I impugned the talent of the local fashion designers, much to Shepard's amusement. I would also pay a visit to Thessia and my favorite Asari Matriarch, who insisted I try a refinement to her infamous Headbutt drink. Wrex was present by happy coincidence - something about "I hate being a diplomat" - and we had a most enlightening evening with some science thrown in.

Confidential science. Determining Krogan and Time Lord alcohol resistance is most confidential.

And then there was the quick spin by Beach City. Just long enough to see Katara helping young Steven refine his healing on his father Greg and some minor bruising. Something about a mishap with the car wash. I don't even think they saw me, but it was nice to see Katara smiling so much and giggling at Steven's antics.

I could go on. Visiting Abby Sciuto and leaving her some specially-engineered black flowers, and possibly getting a bruised rib from an enthusiastic Abby-hug in response. Checking in on so many other worlds I had known and visited. I obviously made a return trip to Layom Station. Afterward I was in Republic City again, enjoying the view of the city. I took a visit to Harmony Tower, that Eiffel-style fixture of the city, where I watched Korra and Asami cuddling quietly in a turtle-duck boat upon the tower's reflecting lake. It was all very adorable and I didn't want to disturb them - well, to be honest, I had other reasons to not speak with them on what was going on - so I left them a gift in their car. A certain kit from Layom Station, with explanation and instructions in Earth Kingdom standard.

Yes, that kit.

Tenzin and the family made sure to give me another meal. It allowed me to check in on the brothers and on Opal; all were fine.

Like at other stops, I was asked what I was doing. I suppose I was acting a bit more somber than usual. Contemplative, certainly. I always deflected it.

But after dinner, as I was preparing to enter the TARDIS, I heard Jinora call out to me. I turned and faced her. "You don't know if you're coming back, do you?", Jinora asked me. There was concern on her face. "That's why you didn't actually talk to Korra. You're afraid she'll insist on going with you."

I opened my mouth to deny it. But something inside me betrayed that. "Yes," I admitted. "I don't know if I'm coming back from this, Jinora."

"This has to do with whatever the Master tried?"

"Yes."

She nodded in understanding. "And you don't want anyone else to be lost with you. But can you do it alone?"

"I won't be alone," I promised. "I'm going to find the Doctor, that is, the Time Lord who inspired me. With his help, I can face this menace."

"Are you sure that's all you need? That you don't want someone who knows you to help?"

I sighed. I found myself unable to deny my thoughts. "Maybe. I don't know… I can't put any more of you at risk, Jinora. Not like this."

Jinora nodded. "I think I understand." Her expression was somber, and I thought I saw a tear come to her eye in the moment before she gave me a hug. "Good luck, Doctor. Please, come back."

"I'll do my best," I promised. It was all I could say and she knew it.

Our hug continued for a moment. And then there was the suspicious sound below us in the form a high-pitched giggle. We looked down and little Rohan had sauntered up to us and was busily smearing what looked like the mashed remains of his fruit portion of the meal into our legs. The giggling turned to laughter.

"Rohan!" Jinora's voice belied her bemusement at her youngest sibling's antics.

"Oh, you're a regular mischief-maker, aren't you?", I said. "Do you know how long it takes to get that stuff out of my trousers?"

His answer was more giggling.

And honestly, I found myself laughing too, as did Jinora. Who was very quick to wipe away the tears flowing down her cheeks.

 

I couldn't hold it off any longer. I had taken my chance to see off old friends and allies. To check up on my old Companions. Now I needed to get going.

Seeing them all had served to remind me of what was at stake. After all, it was easy to lose sight of the cost of destruction when it's all abstract. When it's just numbers. But knowing that all of those I cared about could be lost? That their existences might be snuffed out?

No. I couldn't do that.

No matter what happened, no matter my fate, I had to go. I had to face Rassilon and stop him.

Even if it meant my death.

I set in coordinates for my home Earth and pulled the TARDIS lever. I knew something wasn't right when I felt a familiar rumble through the TARDIS.

You see, there was one world I hadn't visited. One place I loved, but which I feared could provide unwanted temptation.

"Come on," I muttered. "I love it here too, but I don't want to get anyone involved. We need to go." I re-input the coordinates and pulled the activation lever.

Nothing.

Before I could do anything else, there was a knock on the TARDIS door. I drew in a sigh. "Come in," I mumbled, snapping my fingers.

I turned to the door as it opened, fully expecting the sight I saw.

Eskarina Smith stepped into the TARDIS.

This was young Esk, all dressed up in red wizard's robes, and that staff without a knob. Probably not long after our first meeting, from her perspective. Her brown hair was loose around her shoulders. Her eyes showed youthful energy not yet tempered by the Esk I had known further in the Disc's future. The Esk who I had seen pass away peacefully in her sickbed.

"Hello there," she said. "I had a feeling you were going to show up. My temporal observation spells get all wobbly whenever the TARDIS is about to arrive."

"Um, yes, yes they would," I said. I turned to my TARDIS controls.

Esk walked up to me. "Is everything all right? Because you don't look so well."

"I... didn't intend to come," I said. "I love our excursions, Esk, but right now I'm off to do something immensely dangerous and of even more immense importance."

"Oh?" Esk looked around. "I don't see anyone coming with you. Would you like some help?"

I shook my head. "No. No, that won't be necessary. I..." I swallowed. Esk's power as a wizard, the energy she could control... it would be useful. And certain to send Rassilon into fits.

It just meant I had to risk her life.

And yes, I know I met an older version of her already. But time can be wibbly-wobbly that way. Things can still change. Fifth-dimensional shifts and all that.

"This is what you wanted, eh?", I murmured, looking at my TARDIS.

Esk crossed her arms. "I get the feeling you're being all chivalric. That 'can't let the poor girl risk herself' sort of thing. I put up with it entirely too much as it is. If you need me, Doctor, I intend to go."

I almost barked "No". I held back on that and directed a look at her. "Esk, I don't want you to go. I don't want anyone to go."

"Then why did you come here, hrm? Just to say goodbye?" She gave me a cross look. "Because I don't buy that."

"It was just a miscalculation, that's all," I lied.

Esk simply glared at me for a few more moments before huffing and going to the TARDIS door. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she said.

The moment she closed the TARDIS door I re-did all coordinates. But the TARDIS still wouldn't move. "Why?", I asked aloud. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because you need the help."

When my TARDIS appeared as "Cat" again, she chose something distinctly less colorful. Just a dark blue blouse and skirt. She looked at me sadly. "You want to do this alone. You don't want anyone to be harmed. But you are not thinking of how we will feel if you are harmed instead."

"It's my responsibility," I insisted. "I can't have anyone else getting hurt because of me."

"And if you fail, they will be lost anyway." My TARDIS shook the head of "Cat". "You must bring her, Doctor. Please. Bring her. You will need her."

I ignored that plea and tried to shift the TARDIS again. It still wouldn't move. "Please," I asked. "I can't be responsible for causing harm to Esk."

"I'm sorry. But I can't be responsible for causing harm to you." TARDIS-Cat stepped up and settled her hand on my shoulder. Hard-light surface and all that. "Your mind still reels from all of the memories you have regained. You are not thinking clearly. Please, you will need the help. Don't fight me on this."

I drew in a breath. I hated to admit she was right. But I simply couldn't.... I was so afraid of what would happen. What I might face on Gallifrey, assuming I could get there. Risking Esk, risking anyone, felt wrong.

But my TARDIS was right. Even with the Doctor helping, and whatever Companion he might bring, Esk was a Companion who could prove indispensable in what was to come. Even at this young age. And the stakes were too high for me to ignore that. I had to stop and think.

By the time Esk returned my TARDIS had disengaged her holographic interface. Esk was carrying another bag, presumably of clothing and other necessities. She put it down at the opening and stood there, silently. Her eyes were the only thing asking a question. It was "Well?"

I hated doing it. I felt I shouldn't.

But I did. I waved her in with my hand. She picked up her bag and walked up to me at the controls of the TARDIS. "So, where are we going?"

"Here and there," I said. "And ultimately... we are going to Gallifrey."

Esk nodded. "But not at first...?"

"No." I shook my head. "First things first. I need someone who can help me confront Rassilon." I finished re-setting the coordinates.

Eskarina eyed me doing so. "Okay. Who?"

I put my hand on the TARDIS activation lever. I drew in a breath to calm my hearts as I contemplated this. This, perhaps the most important moment in my life as I knew it.

After all this time, the meeting I had always wondered about having - even dreaded at times - was coming.

"We're going to find the Time Lord whose name I was inspired to take up," I informed Eskarina. "We're going to find the Doctor."

I pulled back on the TARDIS activation lever.


End file.
